Sunday, August 28, 2011

Sexercises (for the gals)!

A week or so back I posted a few "Sexercises" for the men (from the same named paperback), so, to keep things fair, here are a few targeting the ladies!
But after looking at these, it seems us men got stuck with all the strenuous calisthenics while you womenfolk pretty much get to choose from a series of restful positions. There should be a chapter called, "Honey, I'm tired. You do something for awhile", but, alas, it is not to be found.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Roadside Mitch!

When driving to Vegas, there's only ONE motel for me on the way!

World's Best Uncle!

The results are in!
Winner of "World's Best Uncle Ever" goes to Chicago's very own …me!
First stop for visiting niece Alice, Forever 21, where I lavished a total of $8.76 on the two young ladies.
It's like Christmas in August!

Vintage Sleaze!

Thanks to Jim Linderman for mentioning me in his fantastic blog "Vintage Sleaze", which showcases all the weird and wacky in this risque wonderful world. And, when you visit his blog(s), make sure to check out his selection of books for your purchasing pleasure. All are well worth owning!
Highly recommended!

Thursday, August 25, 2011


New Footage! Santa Captures Bigfoot!

Chicago Sights!

The Fantasy Lounge! It's so sick, sweaty, slippery and disgusting! I'm just guessing, because it too was closed. But that's what would be going on in my fantasy!

Chicago Sights!

I just returned from a 15 mile run (it quickly became a jog, then a shuffle, until, at mile 12, it ended by me crawling in circles trying to clutch passerby's pant cuffs while weeping that I don't know my name or where I live).
But through the pain, I thought only of you, my lady Blogger readers, and found a couple of nighttime hangouts where we could enjoy adult beverages, talk ab
out how I ran 15 miles, and, after a reasonable amount of protest, I'll give in to your pleading and let you squeeze my steel-like calf muscles.
Ow! Not so hard!
The Chicago 21 Club! I can't tell if it's still open, but the wooden doors keeping me out at 10am (my normal start up time at drinking establishments), are very well done carvings featuring BIGFOOT (all apes and monkeys are now officially Bigfoot to me)!


The evidence? Some might look for Bigfoot droppings (no thank you!), what I've been finding by our bathroom is their sittin' on the throne reading material!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Trailer Park Boys - Samsqwamch

MORE Bigfoot caught on tape!!!!

We have a NEW (to us) car!

After months of Kieran and I searching we hopefully have found something that'll run for a bit, a 2001, 100,000K Lexus RX300. Hat's off to Pete (of Pete's Auto Clinic, 3426 W. Bryn Mawr Ave) for kindly (aka "Free") checking out 4 cars before approving of this one (having dropped a few grand on the other car probably put me in his good graces). With my faithful assistant (who insisted on a SUV) we looked at Consumer Reports listings for the best rated used cars (artist = not new car) and scoured Craigslist for our choices. As someone who has never purchased a car before (I delegated that to the wives) and knows nothing about cars (I can drive, add oil and put air in the tires. I also have the ability to impress the ladies by rollin' down the widows and crankin' up the classic rock), it was a little unnerving. Thankfully, having my daughter along made it a fun (as possible) adventure. We found out that used car lot owners will tell you a car has never been in an accident, yet had been totaled, dealers will pretend there're "owners" and sell half bondo autos on their driveways and enjoyed the "hard sell" approach of the large lots (thought I had joined the Broadway cast of Glengarry Glen Ross as "Rube #3"). So, the combination of "I'm tired of looking" + "This seems to be a reasonable price" = Purchase!
Beep! Beep!

Even MORE Bigfoot!

I've been amassing sighting footage of both "Mr." Bigfoot and "Ms." Bigfoot, yet, surprisingly, no one has come forward to say they've seen them together at the same time.
It makes one wonder, if on weekends, the "Mr." is dressing up in woma....
No, that's crazy talk!


Oh ye nonbelievers! Even MORE irrefutable evidence that Bigfoot walks amongst us! To the naked eye, he's almost invisible due to his uncanny ability to blend in with his natural surroundings, but if you look closely, exactly in this spot…
Oh DANG! Now I can't find him!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Here are the new "I Love You This Much "smileys/emoticons"!

(copyright 2011 by Mitch O'Connell, because I plan on becoming a billionaire off 'em)

I Love You This Much!

Kieran and I have discovered the newest/coolest/hippest way to say "I Love You ...THIS MUCH"!
The old-fashioned folks just spread their arms apart to show the love. What is that?! 5 feet at most?!!
This method makes your love length go much, MUCH farther! Just put the backs of your hands together and shoot the palm love rays out into the opposite direction!
At the very least, they'll circle the Earth! Who knows? They might travel to the outer edges of the ever expanding universe before coming all the way around!
It'll come in very handy when talking about your parents, children or ME!

PS! Thanks to Kirsten Easthope this new worldwide craze now has it's very own emoticoms!
Use ")(" and ")<3(" on all your emails to show your true feelings!


I capitalized that statement to emphasize how important these finds are. I mean, only 15 views of "Mrs. Bigfoot Found Part 2" on YouTube?!! How jaded are you folks? Snap out of your drug induced stupors and marvel at the wonders of the world!
The evidence? Some might look for Bigfoot droppings (no thank you!), what I've been finding by our bathroom is their 'sitting on the throne' reading material!



Sunday, August 21, 2011


A bloodied Flip video camera was found in the hills of Oregon during the filming of "Man vs. Wild" last year … still clutched by a CHEWED OFF HAND!
Who chewed it off?
The footage shows it could have only been one creature …BIGFOOT!
A brief snippet of the film was just been released by the Discovery Channel. It will be officially shown in it's entirety on a special episode airing next season!
PLEASE, do not let anyone under the age of 18, pregnant, elderly, or with a heart condition view this SHOCKING BLOODY VIOLENT CARNAGE!!!


Flea Market Finds #7!

Back to school clothes shopping is taking quite a beating on my wallet. Luckily, for only $20, I took care of Leo's first day outfit.
You only get one chance to make a first impression!

Flea Market Finds #6!

This 18" tiki wood pole seems to be quite the hit with all the ladies!
What's his secret?!

Flea Market Finds #5!

Too much information!

Flea Market Finds #4!

"A special group of components help clarify the The Miracle of Birth!"
Thank goodness! I was too embarrassed to ask!

Flea Market Finds #3!

I don't like my new friend!

Flea Market Finds #2!

a) Will you be my friend?
b) Time to go to sleep. FOREVER!
c) Your turn!

Flea Market Finds #1!

I made a quick run around the aisles of Wolff's Flea Market this morning as children and visiting relatives slept. Now, share in my bounty!
Ladies, forget Yahtzee, there's a new game in town!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sexercises #3

These are my end game moves. It's like the circus has come to town (or at least the trained seals) as I flip flop my way into your heart (and pants). Gentleman, NEVER TRY THE BACK-LYING ARCH unless you've reached my skill level (which would be impossible). If, after thrusting your girl in the air, the landing is not done with pinpoint precision, painful (very, very painful) results could follow!

Sexercises #2

The vitally important "Pelvic Thrust". One reason I was asked to tender my membership at the YMCA. Apparently doing this for an hour or two in the workout room makes people "uncomfortable". Now I do my 6 hour exercise regime in the comfort of my home, mainly on my round white faux fur covered waterbed (if you know what I'm talkin' about, and I think you do!).

Sexercises #1

During lovemaking, my lucky lady d'jour will usually make the same silly fun loving jokes, "Are you done yet?!", "Get off me!" and "I think something was put in my drink!", but they always end up seriously exclaiming, "What the hell was that?"
I humbly reply, "No thanks necessary M'Lady".
My secret? 10 years of religiously following the exercise routines from the classic 1967 workout book, "Sexercises".

Friday, August 19, 2011

M.O'C Trinket Treasures!

Please stop by the Retro-A-Go-Retro A Go Go booth and purchase all their fabulous M.O'C merchandise.
Then pick up everything they have featuring other "artists" and throw it in the pool while screaming, "How DARE you!"!

Star Wars!

"This is ridiculous!" Leo shouted out at some point during his first ever viewing of Star Wars. I hadn't seen it for 100 years and was surprised how, for at least the first half hour, it looked just like a Roger Corman B movie. Also surprised that 1 out of 1000 was the average for laser shots hitting their target. But after it got going, it was, of course, lots of fun and filled with enjoyable characters. We did have to suffer through the George Lucas "tweaked" version with added CGI effects that were so painfully obvious that you could almost see the scissor cuts and tape around them. Leo (again, who had no idea beforehand of the difference) would yell "AARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" whenever some new addition to the film popped up. Lucas seems to just get worse as time goes on, starting with the high points of THX 1138 to American Graffiti to Star Wars 1, 2 and 3 (I don't care if they're now 4,5 and 6) to Indiana Jones to the low points of, well, everything else.
Even with the moaning, Leo awarded the movie 3 and a half stars and wants the next 2 placed at the top of the Netflix list!

Traffic School Laffs!

It's not all work and no play at the City of Chicago online traffic school. After completing your final exam, go to drivingschool(dot)org/womandrivers (or something close, I'm doing this from memory) on the official website to find page after page of hilarious hijinks about the biggest danger that awaits you on the road- females!

Traffic School Tips!

Learn from my (real life) mistakes.
It seems they took a brief detour into dating advice.
The correct answer is "B"!

These dirty bastards are using TRICK QUESTIONS!

Do they want the truth or what "society" says is "right".
Love me for who I am, because I am beautiful.
And don't ever F**KING CUT ME OFF!!!!

I am now taking my 4 hour online Traffic Safety School punishment course.
I plan on plenty of texting and drinking.
The reason for all this is was a silly sign stating "No Left Turn" that I enjoyed reading while making a left turn.
I did check beforehand to make sure the coast was clear.
It seems I missed seeing just one car.
The one with the lights on top.
The flashing lights.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

God Bless America!

Now that I'm the official spokesman for all things pro America- I just placed an order that'll keep me properly attired 6 days of the week.
"But a week has seven days!" some of you spurt.
Like the one true God, on Sundays I rest and just stay in my skivvies.
The people that told me a week has 7 days may now leave my country.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

God Bless America!

‎"Straight Talk Time" with Mitch "Pro-America" O'Connell.
Vote Republican!
President Osama would cut the military budget by 90%, forcing all our hot fighting female soldiers to defend us from tyranny pantless!

Hmmmm. I might have to rethink this one.

When Advertising Was Done Right!